Oscars 2021 live: the winners and the speeches from the 93rd Academy Awards

For Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. But she isn’t there, so the show moves on without her. To think, this ceremony could have been an email.

Now for best costume design. The nominees here do get little explanations. Is this arbitrary? What’s going on? And also, since this is the best costume design award, wouldn’t it be nice to, you know, see some of the costumes?

For Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. Mia Neal is doing a wonderful job of explaining how groundbreaking the win is. Better yet, she’s brief. More like this please.

The hair and makeup nominees don’t get clips OR explanations, just some names read out. Don Cheadle hasn’t even told one of them that they have a beautiful soul yet. What a crock.

Oh, wait, he’s presenting best hair and makeup. Easy mistake to make.

Don Cheadle is here now. Maybe he has a train to catch.

I think I’ve identified the fatal flaw in tonight’s format. Nobody, relatively speaking, has seen any of these films. A good clip montage for each category would at least get the films out in front of people. But instead we get Laura Dern explaining the best personal qualities of each individual nominees. That doesn’t make me want to see any of those films. It makes me want to see most of them less.

Kaluuya is being long-winded, but did at least end his speech by mortifying his entire family by explaining how his parents had sex and created him.

For Judas and the Black Messiah. He can’t be funny here, because he’s literally standing in a train station. Instead, he just thanks loads of people.

I will note, though, that the cutaways to other nominees are particularly brutal this year. There’s no audience to hide behind, so you just get their full-blast simmering resentment. Leslie Odom Jr in particular seems like he’s going to storm off.

Now it’s best supporting actor. And – OH NO! – Laura Dern is introducing the nominees one by one like she’s doing a bunch of wedding vows. This is 100% going to be the least-watched Oscars ever. This format means that I’m toying with the idea of bailing, and I’m being paid to watch it.

All the speeches have all been quite long so far. You’ll notice there isn’t an orchestra this year. What’s going to happen when the speeches overrun? Is Questlove going to DJ them off? What’s the protocol?

Thomas Vinterberg is there in the flesh. The story of the production is incredibly harrowing, and Vinterberg is somehow managing to tell the story of the troubles he faced while being incredibly charming. It’s the hardest feat to pull off, and he’s doing an extraordinary job.

Oh thank God, it’s an old-fashioned montage. Never leave me, montage! I’ll never say anything bad about you ever again!

Best international feature now, presented by Laura Dern who is apparently half-goose now. Is she going to present traditionally, or do the weird dating profile thing that Regina King did?

And we’re up to our first commercial break. I think, so far, that the best we can hope for tonight is brevity. There is somehow even less atmosphere than the remotely-conducted Baftas tonight, and it might be a mercy for everyone to get this wrapped up in an hour or so.