Mantis meets dolphin.
Netflix
It’s the dating life aquatic on episode 5 of Sexy Beasts. Nina, an administrative assistant from San Diego, has in my opinion one of the more unsettling prosthetics. She’s a dolphin, complete with fin and blowhole. She wants a cowboy. “I really love the idea of just living out on a big farm with my cowboy and some horses,” she says, as if the cowboy will go into a temperature-controlled cabinet every evening for storage.
Vying for Nina’s dolphin attentions is Mick, a holistic health practitioner from Los Angeles. Mick’s a rhino. He’s also my nightmare. I’ll let him tell you why: “I am the techno prince warrior poet monkey man spiritual cowboy on the hero’s journey to liberate human kind.”
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Reader, I mashed the pause button and just yelled “STOPPPPP” at the TV. It gets better. He apparently practices something he calls “sex kung fu,” which feels like it’s possibly deeply offensive to traditional practitioners of kung fu, and also something I won’t be Googling to gauge the validity of. (Can I get a sensitivity reader in here?)
Following Mick is Dominic, a model from London masquerading as a mantis. He loves to party and says he gets told ALL the time that his personality is elite. Right. Sure. ALL THE TIME. So many people.
Rounding out the trio is Dustin, a student from Texas who’s dressed as a scarecrow. He likes guns, horses and boots! Hot diggity. Ole Dustin here sounds like a cowboy. Oh boy.
Once the speed dates get going, Nina immediately zeroes in on those boots.
“He’s such a guy, and that’s really hot,” she says, not just lowering the bar but completely removing it. Her read on Mick? He pays attention to her, which she likes. GIRL. Raise your standards. Dominic tells her that he found himself in Cancun at a wet T-shirt contest while on Spring Break.
In the end, she sends Dustin home because, get this: wearing boots is not an adequate indicator of compatibility.
In the wake of the cowboy debacle, Dominic and Nina go bowling, where they try to slide belly first down the lane, a thing that doesn’t work. On the other hand, she and Mick go on a ride in the country in a horse drawn carriage, an experience she says is “straight out of my dreams.” To be clear, she still has a fin on her head. They end up meditating while getting beers. She gets foam all over her nose. STRAWS, PEOPLE. Also, he uses “chi” and “lovey-dovey” in the same sentence. So. Yeah.
And yet. AND YET, she picks Mick. At least he offers her his jacket. Cough, JAMES.