I used to have quite a lot of friends when I was younger, but for some reason I find friendships very difficult these days. I feel let down constantly. I feel I’m always there for other people and inquire about their lives, but never get anything in return. I have noticed that if I do not ask them questions, the conversation falls silent.
My father, for example, is elderly but still active. Whenever I am with him, we only have a nice time when I enquire after him.
I saw a good friend of ours last week and told her that my partner and I are going through difficult times. She put her arm around me – but didn’t say or ask anything about it. I was stunned. When she was widowed we spent endless hours talking about her situation and other things going on in her life. I would not dare compare the death of one’s partner with problems in a relationship, but I never really talk about me to her, precisely because she has lost her husband and felt most of my issues were trivial, but I just do not understand why there was no reaction whatsoever when I for once opened up about myself.
After my mother died unexpectedly some years ago, I was so disappointed in people I considered good friends. I know everyone has their issues and I perfectly understand the world does not revolve around me, but this seems incomprehensible.
I know it’s my problem and I have been told my expectations are too high.
I just long for a glimmer of interest from anyone. When I do tell people things (not just negative things, as I barely talk about those) there is never any follow-up. I feel pathetic about all of this, but also really hurt.
You’re not pathetic. You gave me lots of examples of friends letting you down or not seeming to take an interest in you and it all sounds very tough. But to try to find a solution for you, I want to dial back to when things changed, from being younger and having lots of friends to when it got to be more difficult. I wondered – and I may be barking up the wrong tree here – if it centres around your mother’s death. Maybe you felt she was the only one who listened to you?
Most people can identify with some of what you say: we all have friends who can be self-centred and not ask questions. There is rarely a perfectly balanced friendship; we often “get back” from different people to whom we’ve given. However, given this is now happening with all your friends, I wonder if it might be worth looking at something that’s changed in you.
I consulted psychotherapist Arabella Russell (bacp.co.uk) who wondered if you felt “really seen and heard as a child”. She says the “extent of your hurt seems to run so deep” so we wondered if perhaps finding solace solely from friends was a bigger ask than they can fulfil at the moment. Sometimes this chasm, created in childhood, only starts to be felt in adulthood, and sometimes this can happen after a significant loss. This is why I wondered when it started and if perhaps your mother fulfilled a need that now, nobody does.
“I totally get,” said Russell “why your friendships seem so disappointing, but maybe you’re trying to fill a void from way back with your friends.” This is an impossible ask and can only lead to disappointment.
“Our friends should be interested in us and our ‘stuff’ should be important to them, but we also have to manage our own emotions,” explained Russell. “Friends should provide something but not everything for us; the resentment I see in you is a secondary emotion. I think the primary one is really sadness.”
Who told you your expectations were too high? Could you go back and ask them to elucidate?
You know what would be a brave thing to do? Ask your most trusted friend, suggested Russel “How do you experience me? Can I feel hard to look after sometimes? What does it feel like when you’re trying to help me?”
It may be that your friends sense their help is not really “reaching you” and aren’t sure what to do now. Do you have a friend from the time before, when you found friendships easier and could you ask them if they feel something has changed in you? It’s always really interesting to find out how our own behaviour impacts on other people’s.
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader.Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see theguardian.com/letters-terms
Conversations With Annalisa Barbieri, series 2, is available here.